im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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