Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
