I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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