If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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