I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
