you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize