Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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