We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
