sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
