upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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