Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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