I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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