I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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