im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
