I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
why is half of my head shaved?
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