I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
