Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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