if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
