I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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