I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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