Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
