Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
