I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
