Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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