Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
