I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
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i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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