I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
