he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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