I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Someone came in the potted fern
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
