It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
