This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
