i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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