I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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