i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
