i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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