using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
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The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil