Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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