I met the friendliest cop last night
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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