Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
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