peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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