It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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