Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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