Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
