took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My ass is underappreciated
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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