Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
