then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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