On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
