He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
