He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
