I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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