this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
