I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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