we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i think my tv is drunk
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
