I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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