well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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