Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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