i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
